What I've Learned

Part I

Intuition. It's about filling in the gaps in our knowledge. Allowing ourselves to truly see what is there.

I never knew that I had been missing so much. Living this week, allowing my left eye to be dominant, to be exercised for the first time without a crutch, has led to vulnerability and some heartfelt peak experiences. I've felt pretty raw, but things have also been coming together in a big way. I credit all the Reconnective Healing sessions and the Mushaba Force healing circle as the catalysts. As well as the full-moon for kick-starting the whole process, and my twin flame for serving as mirror, support, and spark. :)

I've been "almost" getting a lot of things. These last three months have been about becoming aware and removing the crutches/"props" in my life that have supported me for so long. I've been endeavoring to rely less on time and obsessive quantitative measures of things -- such as compulsively checking my clock every five minutes, or logging into my bank account out of fear, even though I know I have enough money.

In any case, I had been really close to trusting the Universe/ God/ Source completely when it comes to being on time vs. being late. Yesterday I decided to go to Full Moon Kundalini Yoga class. I normally take bellydance classes on Wednesday nights, and I was sleep-deprived, and I didn't have much time to get ready; but I still felt an excited, light resonance about this class; so I decided to go.

I got ready in a whir and a blur, but still I jumped in the car with only 25 minutes to get to Hollywood, find parking, and pay for my class. Recently I had attempted similar amazing feats of beating lateness -- but yet still I had some lingering control issues around time. This time I decided to Trust. "F*ck it," I said to myself. "This is supposed to be a fun class for me. If I'm not free to learn my lesson of Trust and Faith now, I never will!"

So I decided to completely Let Go, as an experiment, and come what may. No sneaky peeks at the clock; no cheating. When I found myself getting shaky and anxious, I told myself, "All is well. Even if you can't see it now, all is taken care of. Everything will be fine." Everything will be fine - even if not exactly as I planned, or to my liking!

It is funny how such a miniscule matter of lateness can seem so life-or-death at the time, and in our society. Why do we get carried away by such minor things like time? It doesn't have to be such a pain in the *ass to get rid of this compulsive tic. It's easy! Or so I keep telling myself. Such are the cosmic jokes and lessons.

In any case, I somehow managed to pull into the right parking garage and pay by 10:30, the time of the class. I asked my friend to save me a spot - which was a big step for me too. I don't usually like imposing on people, especially when this is only the second time we had hung out! But these days -- meeting other folks living at the heart level also-- all the former rules based on politeness based on fear, just seem to evaporate. With that Heart connection comes openness and Divine Trust.

In any case, I had sweatily and shakily managed to stay mostly calm until that point. Then I realized I had forgotten my water bottle! Yes, I could do another leap of Divine Trust and go into yoga class sans water -- but... I didn't' want to! Anyone who knows me as a Pisces, knows my love affair with water. So... I stood in line at the Golden Bridge Nite Moon Cafe to get my water. And waited. And waited! K came out to grab my mat, saying others had been giving her glares for saving my space. Oh no! I felt even more imposing. "I won't let the fear kick in, dammit!" I said.

I must have waited fifteen minutes for that dratted water! At that point I had nearly lost it, and was at my wits' end trying not to curse the server - who was floaty, slow,inefficient and dreamlike -- BUT who was also sweet, gorgeous, AND the only one working at the stand, doing both cashier and drinkmaking. Patience and compassion, I kept telling myself.

I finally got into the yoga room - and guess what? The teacher was still peacefully talking, as she had been since the beginning. Even fifteen or twenty minutes late, I was still fine. K was peacefully sitting on her mat, cross-legged and beaming. She was fine. Whyever did I doubt?!

Yoga class was amazing, indescribable, beyond words. Gurmukh, the instructor, lent the class a firm, gentle, yet exalted vibe that effortlessly expanded our consciousness and opened our hearts. It's so gratifying to step into completely new spaces and meet new teachers and new souls, who talk about the same things as you, hold similar values, spread the same Light, and preach and praise and co-create a vision of the same world -- even though you've had completely different lives and religions or paths.

Again my body allowed itself to be gently led into submission, as I had sent the intention to completely remove resistance. Gurmukh's words echoed those of Ashtar and of my guides, "Get over it!" "Stop taking things personally." I absorbed her words like a sponge into my soul and heart, and stayed in the moment -- sometimes forgetting the words instantly as they were said. Such happens when one works on the Violet Flame of mercy, compassion, laughter...AND forgetfulness! I certainly live that one down. Hahahaha. And laughter too!

My body shook and protested, but my intention was to see how far I could go. "Inside your body lies a being that is stronger than you could ever imagine," Gurmukh invoked, echoing the cooing thought-ideas! swirling around in my consciousness. Sun rays streamed through the skylight, and warmed the arching wood roof and floorboards. As we rose in our final pose, head uplifted and chin and neck stretched to look up at the sky, arms down to the side, K and I both experienced streams of spontaneous tears. "You are releasing so much more than you know right now, at this moment," Teacher soothed. As we sat in the Ramidass healing circle afterwards, the tears continued to flow, gracefully and honoringly, as we filled with awe and compassion for the spectacle and miracle of Love and Oneness in humanity and the planet, that was unfolding around us.

Still high from that experience... gently fast forward to later on.

Hungry and thirsty, with still some time to spare, we decided to grab some sustenance before heading home. I had to change clothes. Again, more waiting, as we gathered our food and items, stood to pay, and waited for our drinks. Back again at the same cashier from before. "Oh, I never make the drinks until people come to get them. Because sometimes people forget!" Exasperated internal sigh on my part. Gotta love that Cosmic humor sometimes. Or all the time! I know I want to learn my lessons, but... Come on, Source! Do you have to rub it in my freakin' face with some much greasy glee?! Gawd.

So there I am, jumping in my car. K and I happened to park right across from each other, unknowingly. The line is long at the parking garage pay kiosk. "Remember, you said you were going to let go..." my higher consciousness intoned. "OK, OK, I will! No looking at the time, I promise." Breathe... breathe... I'm on Sunset at Vine, and there are tons of cars ahead, but ... breathe, breathe. Shit, there's traffic -- better flap my wings to clear it. Funny things, wings don't work when you're stressed. Fear is like a short-circuit. Dammittall!! Whatever. Breathe. I'll be fine. It's 1:12pm. Sure, I can get to work by 1:30pm! From Hollywood to Pasadena during lunchtime traffic? No problem!! (Note my trace of sarcasm here.)

I committed to letting go completely, and so I shall. This is an experiment. Again -- if I don't learn it now, when will I ever?

Traffic thins out. I joyously speed down the 101 and up the 110. (I do this normally - not because I'm late. I just love driving with a passion.) No traffic on the 101 South whatsoever.

I fight the urge to look at the clock. Two miles from work , and I happen to glance at the time while changing the tune on the radio. 1:27. Shit, I'm actually making it! So, what happens now? I get more stressed - BECAUSE I AM MAKING IT ON TIME!! What gives?! OK, time to let go - yet again! This is a little tiring. Oh well.

I park, thinking, maybe my boss might have stepped away from his desk. I come into work just three minutes late.

Not only is my boss away from his desk, he's actually out of the office. And has been, and will be... for a while!

Saved again! I am sold. Not because I made it on time, but because I was able to hold on to the feeling of faith, and stay in that space for longer than I ever have. I created those positive results, supported by God, by my belief. Having this "proof" that faith works will not help me next time, or make you believe. Positive thinking is just thinking. Faith is a totally different animal. These little stories are just evidence that my faith and belief are, finally, strong enough. And you can do it too!

We create and manifest our results. We just have to trust believe that this Matrix of love, energy, and being all around us divinely supports and protects us. We may never know ahead of time exactly how our day or life will work out, but we create that by trusting that it will.

It's another miracle; another daily miracle. I won't call it small; because when it comes to miracles, there are neither big nor small ones. They are miracles all the same!

Dammit, I could have been even later, and it wouldn't have mattered.



Part II



Lateness. Yoga. They are all microcosms of experience... fractals; lessons in one small or not-so-small area of our life that allow us to start a habit there, to spread like a fire (or a virus?) to the entirety of our lives.

It hurts like hell to walk down the stairs today. Especially when my muscles are cold from sitting, as they are now. Today I don't know if there wasn't one part of my body that DIDN'T hurt. It was a good sore, as M used to say; but intense nonetheless! I felt a little like crap today, and vulnerable. I can sometimes tend toward self-pity, so I have to watch it.

I had a conversation (an intervention?) with my guides last night, about how I wanted to synthesize all of this knowledge I had been learning over the past few days, and to really concretize the rapid and important connections and leaps forward in learnings that had been happening in my intuition. My guides were hesitant and not all that happy; I seem to recall a roundtable discussion going on between me and them. Eventually it was approved, though at what cost I wasn't sure yet. Lucky me! I was excited, expecting that everything would just solidify and lump into place languidly, gently, and lovingly with Melchizedek's opalescent Ray of Synthesis.

Yeah, no such luck. Maybe that did happen, but things were a lot more hard-core than expected. I had one of those days where I felt cut off from my guides and alone - temporarily and for the exact reason of learning. I was sure of this, since it had happened before, and it was well worth it.

That's fine, I think. I also felt oddly silent, as if I had returned to the Void, like when entering a Dark Night of the Soul. Not much resonance or intuition about anything. I wanted to write today, this morning, but nothing came. "Oh well," I said again. "I can also deal with that!" I realized with a start that I had to work early today. I had woken up early and felt pretty raw. My moon time was here and the pain was just enough to keep me on the edge. I was already mentally exhausted from putting myself through the strain of seeing without my glasses. But whatever. I am open to whatever I have co-created for this day with the Universe. I trust that this day will flow and keep me going, and that whatever needs to happen is exactly what will happen. (I may cheat by having a little coffee to stay awake though!)

The day glides by quite nicely; I'm relaxing into the heart space and being okay with everything that comes. Things pick up and get a bit busier as the 20-person talk and lunch takes place.

Late afternoon -- turns out that the projector that I let the owner's friend borrow is needed TOMORROW morning at 9am for a presentation. Shit! OK, I can do this. It's just the "Have Faith" issue coming around, to ground these lessons into synthesis. I didn't know the journey would be this hard, but I'll take what I get -- since that's what I asked for. I call around, trying to get the contact information of the lady that has the machine. No such luck. I'm screwed! I knew I should have pushed harder to protect the office's assets. That self-forgiveness thing is really hard right now. Wait... Trust. I know that I will be fine, that it will be fine.

My boss calls me in for something, and says, "Lisa, about the lunch. I'm only going to tell you this once: ALWAYS PUT THE SALAD DRESSING ON THE SALAD! Not on the side!" He says it with such vehemence. "Did you tell me this before?" He says, "Yes, like three times!" I cheerfully-politely-dutifully take his advice and sheepishly, diligently write the message down on a Post-it, posting it on the front my binder for future reference. Why do I feel like I'm five? Flashback to all the admin jobs I'd had before, in which my bosses told me everything from "You're stupid" to "You're dense!" to "You're dyslexic" and "You're slow, like a snail/turtle!"

Wow. I try to play it cool, but I'm not doing too well. The stress is just kind of too much. Oh f*ck it, what do I have to prove?!" I step into the restroom - the last bastion of privacy in the corporate world - lean against the wall, and sob. I haven't felt stupid like this in a long time. I want to stay with the mantra of "Get Over It!", but perhaps now is the time I need to just be with the process. Yes, I am crying, but that's fine; I'll just take it as it comes.

Four times I think I'm ready and have let it all out; four times I get ready to leave and then start bawling again. I let it come, and the tears do their thing; whatever, it's just a release. I am crying, but I don't have to take it personally; it's not going to kill me. OK. I wash my face, take a few deep breaths, and I'm ready to go again.

I get some information off the owner's computer, and simultaneously get the phone number for the person who has the projector. I call, and it will be here in ten minutes. Five minutes later, it's in my hand. I knew it would be; it was just a rocky road of nuts and "oh, fudge" to get there.

Three cheers for faith! Yay, I made it! I made it through this day of physical pain and stressy lessons. I refuse to call it a bad day, since 1) it was mostly smooth for the whole day, and 2) the "bad days" so often are just roller-coaster rides of learning.

I pack up the dishwasher of the twenty-plus plates from the office's lunch presentation. Shoving the dishwasher drawer, it just won't fit in! I can't get it in. It's off its track. I stare quizzically at it; on second thought, maybe I should have tried some Jedi mind tricks to move it. I wiggle the drawser; twist and turn for a few minutes, and then one of the wheels comes right off and plops onto the floor!

Great. I don't know how the hell I can fix this. Just squatting down is killing my quad thigh muscles. I can't lift this heavy-ass drawer of plates that must weigh 30 or 40 pounds - my abs hurt when I try to lift anything! Crap. Darned yoga class. Dammit, I just broke the dishwasher!

I start laughing. Which makes my oblique muscles on my sides spazz out and hurt even more! Ow! Ow! I start laughing my ass off, noting the absurdity and ridiculous minority of the situation, and realizing that it would be totally hysterical if someone walked in the kitchen right now. And then I'm at that weird edge place where, in disbelief and near-desperation, I'm laughing and crying at the same time. Great, now I'm a lunatic.

I keep chuckling endlessly to myself -- yes, now I'm certifiable, laughing and talking to myself -- as I work and try to fit the dishwasher rack wheel on somewhere. Then I give a big heave-ho and shove the drawer into the dishwasher. Yee-ah!

I talk some incoherent slap-happy nonsense to my gratefully, gracefully obliging and constantly sensitive coworker. Then I throw back a shot of Anejo on the rocks, partaking with my other burnt-out, wits-end, hardworking rank-and-file colleages, who had to work late also.

Luckily my roommate doesn't need me to take him to the hardware store today, and I have Corner Bakery sandwich leftovers ready for dinner. The travel plans for dropping off a proposal are all set for tomorrow; and I wish my coworker luck as he prepares to burn the midnight oil to draft the proposal. By this time, I'm feeling a little more limbre, and I want to walk home to stretch out my traumatized muscles a little and enjoy the twilight stroll home. I spot some pretty flowers in the evening light. Thank God I made it! By the Grace of the Universe. There but for the grace of God go I.

I come back to the townhouse and want to write, but unlike yesterday, the resonance continues after I get home. I need to get this out. Plus, I got a 59:59 message from the Universe, which I took to mean as, "Get your ass in gear and spit it out!" I'm feeling a little tired and my eyes are protesting, so I think, "Why not? I'll give them a break. They've been working hard. It's nearly been five days of unadorned sight, for the first time in almost thirty years. The longest time without ever! Fine, I'll wear my glasses. There's no point in being tough."

I put on my glasses, and my eyes feel weird, like I'm looking through a foggy grey kaleidoscope, a periscope, Coke bottles, or those weird sight-gauging machines at the optometrist. "Better, or worse?" I realize that I can't see. I can't see WITH my glasses?! What the hell?! What is going on?

It's funny how all my twitching, confused, paralyzed brain can think of are cliches and movie references. I think I stepped out of the wrong side of bed, out of Kansas, back through the looking glass and the back of the wardrobe, down the wormhole, around the tunnel, and out the little trap door into John Malkovich's brain. It's literally a whole new world. I guess it's the flip side! I'll be sure to send you some postcards!