The Courage to See

In the last two days, I have attended four healing sessions- two group sessions, a yoga session, and a private session.

The yoga class was Yin yoga- holding postures deeply for long periods of time - stretching the body and the will, removing resistance, and noticing our inner process during the exercise, as a microcosm of how we act in the "outside" world. My shins ached, my knees shook, but still I went deeper into the postures. When the time came to do some hip-opening exercises, I went farther and lower in stretches than I had in years, yet still the instructor gently encouraged me to go further. Surpassing my own limits, my head and neck released, my face hit my own feet and touched the floor- and through intense, mindful, and willful progressive relaxation I pretzeled myself into positions that took minutes to move out of, slowly and safely.

I learned that letting go is a constant, active process, and that I had been over-relying on my dominant, right side to the point of burnout; neglecting my left, intuitive side. Not to mention my abs hurt like holy hell today, but in a good way. Just don't make me laugh! Stop it! Stop it!

I went into the private healing session not expecting anything - only to experience that healing modality as part of my path towards learning it. During the session, among other mind-bending experiences and images, my eyes moved like "REM sleep on speed," and heated up to where they almost felt boiling. I tried not to be biased afterwards, but I had the intense feeling that my eyes were not the same. They still felt hot, as if they had been seared or lasered; and my vision was altered. My eyes just felt... different. Unexpectedly.

I couldn't shake the feeling that something had changed. This was hard for me to believe, but it came from my inner knowing. In the group Mushaba Force healing circle, we were each assigned one of "Those Who Make Us Whole" from the other realms, to work with us for the next 30-60 days. Mine is fantastic- a powerful and gentle being with a countenance/semblance/manifestation somewhere between a Chinese lion, a mandrill, dragon, and a Native American chief, holding a feathered staff or spear.

This morning, I decided to go sans contacts. I figured, "What the hell - I might as well try and see what happens", as my mom was coming over, I didn't have to drive today. I don't have to drive tomorrow, or any of the week if I don't want to. What a grand experiment! It scares the crap out of me, which means that it's probably the right thing to do. And I now recall, just a few days ago, saying that I didn't really want to wear contacts anymore. It wasn't a big deal; I just felt like I had grown out of my use for them, and was ready to move on. Too bad- I love my red glasses! --but there will always be someone who can use them.

As many of my friends and acquaintances might know, I wear glasses or contacts every day, pretty much every hour that I am awake, and have done so ever since I was three years old. I still have a picture of myself at three, with big glasses, yellow pigtails, and a Donald Duck T-shirt. I have a lazy eye- technically amblyopia or strabismus, I never remember which one! It is significant that it is my left eye - again, a weakness in my non-dominant side.

Suffice to say, today was a day of vulnerability- learning to exercise part of the side of the face - and therefore body-- that I had heretofore ignored for so long. Even writing now, I feel like my voice is more vulnerable, yet stronger somehow. I hear myself doubting myself, but surge forward anyway. I step forward into experimentation. It feels weird! It feels different! But continue I must.

I told an eye doctor once a few years ago that I had been practicing not using my glasses or contacts, and I mentioned that it seemed to be working out well. She said, "Sure, you can see without your contacts, but it just makes your eye work really hard. So it's just better if you use your contacts." Now tell me - what in the hell is wrong with some hard work?? When did we all become a nation of medicated pussies? (Pardon my French, and apologies to C.). Oh, I can go to another eye doctor, and drop $4-8,000 to have vision therapy, and do hours of homework a week, and then my vision might be better after a year. Might. Something tells me doctors don't have a monopoly on healing - we just think they do, and that's why they command-- *and* we pay --the big bucks.

What about the doctor who suggested I use an asthma inhaler before I exercise, even though I hadn't had asthma symptoms in nearly twenty years? It's like we've been conditioned into thinking that we SHOULD be ill - that's it's not possible to be completely healthy, even if we feel like we are. No wonder so many of us are hypochondriacs- we're taught to believe that there might be something really wrong with us at any moment!

What's with having us feel dependent and be beholden to chemical and physical crutches? Who really wins when we think we are not complete? We are responsible for our own healing. Doctors can help us, or lead us to health, but only we and God are the ones that literally have the power heal. And as we ascend higher and higher up the spiritual ladder, I know that our symptoms get healed as well.

In the end everything boils down to lessons- and which lessons we are bold enough to embrace.

My third eye has been opening a lot lately. Being squeezed from the expanding crown and all the heart work I have been doing, I guess it had no choice! My throat chakra is being similarly forced to activate as well. In a larger context, the third eye involves our vision, our focus and clarity, our clairvoyance and metaphorical sight.

What have I been afraid to see? I have ran from so much in my life - always trying to escape. My clarity and focus have been HUGELY lacking, and so often I've felt walled in from my own perception of life and reality. Literally walled in by all my accumulated boxes and "stuff", in a tiny room, thinking that my routine was All That Is. I lived life for so long as a slave to the tasks and the material world around me. Lately I've been slowly awakening to and removing my "crutches"- from having a set routine, to making lists, to planning things; from watching the clock and my bank account, to watching my weight simply via the scale. These things that have ostensibly been supporting my life; but on which I've become excessively dependent, up to the point of being *their* servant.

How much time have I wasted in making my life safe and comfortable, yet not pursuing the things that may be a little harder, yet immensely more satisfying? What would you do if you knew that you cannot fail? What would you say if I say that there is no struggle after a certain point; everything just becomes discipline? We cannot fail, because life is pure and simply Experience- and we are safe no matter what.

When I look myself in the mirror today - when I believe that I am healed - my left eye meets my gaze solidly and fiercely. As soon as I start to doubt, the eye starts to wander. I kid you not. My eye fades just as I "space out" and detach from looking squarely into my reflection.
How often have I detached myself from life? How often have I ran away from myself? How often have I wimped out on pursuing my own desire?

I feel nauseous thinking about this, but the consistent answers are: constantly, ever, and always. How often have I retreated as soon as the going gets tough? So often. You don't even know! When faced with many desires or many tasks to be done, I have been known to go into overwhelm, and think it's not possible, none of it, nyet, not, absolutely. I now see that it is all possible, and I've been simply running away from a weebly shadow in the mirror.

As I walk this path, it's easy to say, "Forget it! I'm going to put my contacts in! This is too hard!" Notice all these issues that are coming up, hard-core and in my face? This is meant to be -- now -- as is every moment is in our lives. Even if I fail miserably, or come to the belief that this was all a grand illusion - I don't care, and it doesn't matter. The lessons are still real, and they are still mine. And the stories of foolish, single-minded, misguided intention (OK, stupidity) are often the funniest ones in the end -- that we retell our kids and their kids, over and over.

Here's to having the courage to see- or go down in flames. Or both. I feel the roar of the universe.