Release

I used to be afraid of the springtime wind - of the rustling of the sun-dappled leaves, the whistling through the treetops. To me it sounded like time passing, slipping away from me, and the memory of a world long forgotten and pushed away.

I used to be afraid of the lonely, cloudy California June gloom days, where all was quiet and muted, and it seemed like I was alone, isolated and away from everyone, anyone, and everything that I loved.

Nothing is the same anymore. Everything seems to be shifting. I feel like zombies ate my brain!

We are shifting from a mental fear- and ego-based way of living, to one that is based from decisions made from a loving, grateful, and peaceful heart.

The transition is a little rocky, and things can get a little chaotic and messy in the physical world for a while. Even the simplest task, such as mailing some books in an envelope, seems extremely difficult. I still do it, but it takes a lot more time than usual. I forget what I was in the middle of doing sometimes, like taking out the trash. I can't force myself to do anything I don't want to anymore, or if it's not the right time, or spend time with people that I don't want to.

My brain feels like it is operating on an alternate dimension, on the "backup" dimension. My car is a pigsty; I need to do laundry; I haven't unpacked my moving boxes in three months; I need new clothes and shoes; my phone is barely viable by societal standards; and I have had repeated issues with other technology from everything from my car to the internet and computer networks.

But yet I know that everything is fine, and is unfolding at the right pace. Running late to the nightclub last night, I started to panic. "What the f***?! Late again? An hour late?! What's wrong with you?!" (the lateness thing again). Driving around and around Cherokee and Selma and Sunset, trying to find a parking spot. "Whatever," I said. "Just calm down... chill... take a breath. Everything is fine. What if RIGHT NOW is the exact perfect time for you to be where you are?" Sink down into the heart, relax into the moment. A parking spot appeared to my right just five seconds later. And then I called my brother- he was just arriving at the same time I was.

The old ways of doing things no longer make sense anymore, and therefore my brain is in the constant process of exploding, of shedding and shredding old thought patterns faster than they can be built. I don't really know anything anymore. Short term memory? I can't always remember what you told me a minute ago, and I have been repeating myself innocently and often. Long term memory? I'm retaining the good memories (most of them!) , but as I work through them, the painful ones are blessedly losing their bite and twitch, often even fading from consciousness completely. I've gone through the wormhole.

Questions running through my mind:

Why force yourself to do anything that you are not passionate about? What is the point?
Who cares what people think of you- really? I mean, what really matters about that?
How did it somehow be OK for people to be mean, violent, and abusive to each other? Who authorized that? Do YOU really want someone else to hurt you?
Who decided that an eight-hour, five-day workweek was the norm? Is that what you really want?
Why not have a good time, all the time? Who said we have to work hard and be sad and stoic and suffering?
Who said that men can't be gorgeous, loving, kind and sensitive?
Who said that children can't be smarter than, and teach their parents?
Who said school has to be boring, inculcating, and pedantic? Or even academic at all...
Who said you can't talk about deep, emotional, and personal things to people you barely know?
Who said our cities have to be dirty, noisy, and full of traffic?

I'm sure you can think of some juicy ones of your own...