Choices, choices

I'm not normally one to hesitate at writing something, but that's exactly what I did today. "Why do I want to write about something that I'm confused about? I'm supposed to help people and share my insight, not my confusion!" Oh well, here goes, in the hopes that one of us will hopefully take a little -- or big -- step forward.

Ascension is hard work. By "Ascension" I don't infer one being infused/ suffused with light and rising up into the sky with rapture. And when I say "hard work", I'm not complaining. I'm talking about the daily, gritty, step-by step little toeholds we each make daily, moment by moment, in our progress toward becoming more whole, loved, loving creatures. Thus, spirituality is part and parcel of this process.

Anyway, back to the raw meat of it. By nature, it seems that our daily spiritual/emotional/ intellectual trials bring us close to our brink. But not beyond! They take us just to the point of breaking, so that we can see what other options we have while we are down in The Dark Dank Smelly and Lonely Pit. Often this is the only way we face and consider anything else outside of our comfort zones, "boxes", and silly little routines .

I've been working hard on my spirituality (in my slightly overblown opinion), and after apparently crossing over a couple of big rungs or thresholds, I've been feeling pretty darn good about myself. I am pretty joyful, I've got energy coming from my heart, I'm making decisions from the heart, I love people, and I feel closer to my Divine purpose. I notice distance from some of the long-term people in my life, but I'm also getting to know some cool new folks. I'm eating pretty much a vegan diet and feel relatively healthy.

Then it hits me one day. I don't feel like cooking; and I don't want to eat any more damn healthy fruits and vegetables, or I'm going to puke. Fine, I'll go get fast food - a burrito or a burger.

I end up doing that for five days in a row (eating take-out, not throwing up!). I peg this craving for more solid fare as needing to feel grounded after radiating so much Light in the past few weeks. Maybe. Whatever.

Then I cry and blubber self-pityingly on the way home because I can't decide if I want to go to Michael's, the craft store. I was feeling an urge to see all the colorful Valentine's and Easter stuff, junky crafts, hearts and flowers and eggs, pink and red and white.

Then it hits me: I am really missing a lot of my old life! Or the life I never allowed myself to have. I went straight from the third dimension, the physical world, to the spiritual world of the fifth dimension. What happened to the in-between - the fourth-dimensional world of emotion and art and soul crafts? Granted, I haven't felt like cooking and crafting in the last month. (Probably because I was so sick!) But now I feel this big Void. What gives?

Living from one's heart is joyful, sad, and painful all at the same time. You begin to realize that all of those emotions are really the same. The only way I can describe is feeling open and raw, but with a glowing diamond at the center of your heart. Right now that diamond feels like a big hole. I HAVE been depriving myself of doing the things that I enjoy, but only because I feel that I should be doing something bigger. That's the rub. I have been discounting myself, my physical vessel and my emotions; trying to help others at the expense of myself. But now that the playing field is so large, and my world has expanded greatly due to all the fresh air being huffed in and breathed in - I don't know what to do! What about that Tool or Serge Tankian album I've been wanting to buy? Can I get that? What about that painting I wanted to do? Should I be making Skillet Lasagna with Butternut Squash? Or maybe beef with eggplant? I used to want to buy that book on relationships. Do I still want to buy that? But? What? When? How?.... blah blah blah.

There I go again. I'm trying to approach a spiritual/emotional issue from a mental point of view again. I'm trying to plan my life out in extreme detail -- all right now. "ALERT: EGO BUTTING IN" is the sign that flashes across my mind's eye in red and white letters. I realize, sheepishly, that I have again slipped into the paradigm of scarcity -- the illusion that we only have a finite supply of time and money or any other sort of internal, external, or personal resource. I am thinking, unconsciously, that I better take advantage of buying and doing stuff now, while I have money and time! Duh, the idea of abundance is permanent... and I'm thinking of abundance from a scarcity perspective! I feel my brain melt.

In the last two days, the lessons of my life were all about faith: i.e. in being on time for work. Now I think this issue of finding myself again, is yet another example in another form, of my Faith needing to be stronger. If I muse and wonder about all the stuff that I THINK I want to do - I'll go crazy! And I will be a slave to my desires. Of course I can get that rock 'n' roll record if I want, or draw a picture, or sew a dress. I can do stuff that I enjoy. But the catch is - how much do I want it? Do I REALLY desire it all right now? Is it resonating? ... The answer to all of those questions for me was... Not at this moment.

Why not be guided by God and my inner self in each moment? What DO I want to do in this moment?

Therefore, the essence, caveat, AND the catch is that one can get and do whatever one wants, whenever one wants...but only what you truly want.

It's a paradigm shift. And one that makes my brain all wiggly and short-circuity again when I try to over-analyze it. We CAN have everything we want. But we don't have to be slaves to our mind's urge to compulsively collect everything with a sense of urgency. What do you feel is required for your health, comfort and pleasure RIGHT NOW? This is a new vision of abundance; we can have everything we want, but only if it resonates. If I don't really want that pair of sunglasses, but everyone tells me I should; I'll tell you right now it will be an unpleasant struggle journey to try and get them. And I will feel crappy afterwards - because it isn't in alignment with what my Integrity/Conscience/ Heart dictates. No longer can I hoard stuff, thinking that having clutter around will comfort me with a sense of safety- for example, "in case" I need some of it, someday

We will each receive what we absolutely require or desire from the Universe, at the exact right time that we need it. If you stay active, engaged, and in tune with your intentions, but also sit back from trying to micromanage and control your lives, you will see the beauty and splendor of God's plan evolve before your eyes. In other words -- Source is the best assistant ever! It arranges things in a more intricate and perfectly woven tapestry of timing, evolution, and synchronicity than any of us could ever dream to think up.

To explain this concept in a more visual way: I see life as a kind of roulette wheel, but not in the "turn of fate/ luck of the draw" way that you might think. At any given moment, there are an infinite number of things that one could do. You can toss out the illusion of control via that to-do list right now - because I'm sure that between you and me, we can come up with 50 million other things that are on that list too, but you just can't see them at the moment. This isn't meant to scare you, but rather to hammer home the idea of the necessity of Faith to get through life's little daily "disastrophes". So, continuing with the metaphor - you have this huge wheel of life - or sphere if you will - of things that ostensibly need to get done. All are in various states of perceived urgency. I say "perceived" instead of "actual" on purpose. (Think about that...maybe later.) You take a deep breath, focus on the area of your heart, and give a big heave-ho to spin the big red, black, and gold wheel. It slows down and stops. Out of that immense circle of knowing, there's probably only one, or maybe two things, that you REALLY want to do right now, with all of your heart, soul, and being.

What is it? What is your Roulette Wheel arrow pointing to?

You can guess what the answer was for me in that moment... To WRITE!

And my desire right now? That I am making sense!